Tuesday, 22 December 2015


Good lord, it's a new poem! I wrote this about six months ago and have just now got round to fine-tuning it.

I think I want you
I think I do

But you see
The very idea
Of you -
And you are
Still just an idea
Still just a far off
Concept of conception -
Even that
Fills me with a terror
That's bigger
Than death.

Even though
You'll start tiny
And stay tiny
For what will
Come to seem
Like a fraction
Of a fraction
Of a second,
The magnitude
Of what you'll mean
Is beyond all comprehension.

At first
You'll be this
squiggly thing -

A comma
Before you fledge
Fully into
An exclamation.
A pause, a breath
Before you form.
All red and wrinkled

And soft
Scarily soft
Too soft
For this hard
Horrible world
Full of hard
Angry things.

But there you'll be
pure and blank,
Unwritten yet
Like the purest, blankest
And I'll write
My wrongs on you,
Inscribe in your
Unknowing skin
My sins.

Let me be honest -

This once
Because you know
I'll lie
At every turn -

I'll fear
Losing you
I'll fear
Hurting you
Beyond repair
I'll fear
Without meaning to
That I'll make
Meanings for you
That you never meant
To mean

I'll fear
Making you
Like me.
And patched together
Over and over
And over again.

But I want you
I think I do
Because fear
Is not reason enough
Not to want you

I want to live you
Live you
Love you
Write you
Alive and lovely
I want to
Be filled up
With the life
Of you

And watch you,
With uncomprehending
Eyes, take
Your first big, bawling
Gulp of this air
That will be ours.

I'll will you
Into the world
I'll believe you
Into existence
And you'll come
All too quickly
Screaming out of me -


Perfect, but
Not perfect, of course
Like any other human
Frail and flawed
Full of promise
Fulfilled and otherwise
But perfect
Still in my
Biased eyes.

And then

When you're here
I'll find out
For sure whether
Your eyes are
A quiet, fearless
Or a fidgety, fussy

Whether your skin
Is pale, poorly
Or a full
Hearty chestnut
And I'll want
to protect you
To swaddle you
With so much love
That you can hardly

And however much I might
have wanted to before
I won't be alone anymore
And I won't want to be
Because I'll want you
Because I'll have you
And you'll be

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